Asking myself the big question what do I need to do instead of drowning in continual angst, depression and shear hopelessness. Found a hint with Existentialism, very complex and broad yet perfectly simple all at the same time.

The picture of this yet to be poured path down to the studio is symbolic for a number of reasons, it is not a crossroad, there is one entry into the circle and one way out.... leading down into the studio. One could turn around and go back up the way one came and remain on that path and go back deeper and deeper into the place that created so much angst or they could enter the Hills Hoist circle of angst and continually follow the circle, round and round until they went mad. I know the circle around the good old Hills Hoist is my roots, the red neck Australian 1970's, one could only escape that vicious circle by dreaming, by ignoring the negative and embracing the positive.....the symbolic attribute is the path leading out into the unknown, that pace of imaginings, that place of love for oneself, the place of simplicity, that place of warm toast and tea....... a dream, yes, however dreams do eventuate with positive steps in the right direction.

side tracked here.... So many thoughts arise from the age of 8, a time of the Vietnam war, I remember standing on a brick wall and talking to a recently returned Vietnam war veteran. my parents and others stood around asking questions of this man, yet I saw something in him that wasnt the same, his eyes were dead, he didnt want to be there in front of everyone, you could see he wanted to be 100 miles away and by himself... waffling on a bit here will move on... just need to say seeing this man, I saw a horror in his face, something as a child I didnt understand but sensed it and it scared the fuck out of me. Ok Ok the Australian Hills Hoist, this circle was my life and I have been encircling this never knowing how to break out of the cycle.

more side tracking.... One of my most poignant memories was standing up in front of 30 or so 8 year olds singing a song of Cat Stevens... It was Morning has broken, my purpose for singing this song was to express what I had felt that time when I stood on the brickwall and sensed a sadness from that man. I didnt want others to feel that sadness so I chose a song of hope.... the crunch came right there... I couldnt communicate what I had saw and I couldnt make a connection with others, it then saddened me. My teacher, I remember, saw something, sensed something as to what I was trying to say in a musical sense... however my deepness, what I saw and sensed to this day comes out muddled, over the top, different. It has taken me nearlly 40 years to grab a little of who I am, be confident enough to be me however strange that is to others.

All the times that I cried, keeping all the things I knew inside,
It's hard, but it's harder to ignore it.
If they were right, I'd agree, but it's them They know not me.
Now there's a way and I know that I have to go away.
I know I have to go.
(Father-- Stay Stay Stay, Why must you go and
make this decision alone?)

I love how my mind goes off on tangents, memories of childhood are very powerful, totally overwhelming. I hope to regain this and live so passionately as I once did.

So what have I done to move back towards an authentic life? I am trying to drop the things that have made me into a negative person, being crushed young doesnt mean one has to be crushed now. I am an adult and have more control over my current situation than I ever did as a child. The path leads to my authenticity, the things in this short life that matter to me. I can continue to walk around and around the Hills Clothes Hoist or take the newly created path to where I need to be and enjoy whatever time I have left.

University starts in late May, something I have always wanted to accomplished, a BA, a bit of a contradiction as I have strong feelings about education however I need not bring those past negative thoughts into it, just do it because I want to do it,  I no longer am concreting or going to use that as a major income producing option. Time to leave that and explore the other endless options one can create for themselves if they stop long enough to dare to dream them.

The fear, the hurt, the confusion stop when one dares to dream and reclaim what they know is their true essence. No excuses, time to live authentically and leave the circle and walk down the path in the direction of positive steps.