Here I go on one of my benders
Written by The Artist18 December 2009
This I know is not going to make sense when I am sober.... I need to read this carefully when I awaken because there is so much truth here that I bottle up as a compromise. Am I finished compromising? fuck knows however the following words are from such an antagonising compromise I am not sure what is real and what is stupidity.
Am I just one super trooper who is hell bent on protecting what I wished for as a child, or am I a super looney who needs to be by himself and live out the rest of his years minus the agony?
Coming apart at the seems, I dont know what to do with my angst, I am not good at letting a lot of it all go past me I seem to hold onto every bit of visual, emotional stimuli that I am aware of. I am a boiling pot, I dont know how to filter, ignore the things that I hold true to me. It seems I am constantly compromising in order to keep all in flux.
Lost the plot today, picked up a tomato stake and wiped the row of tomato plants out in a fit of rage. Then I punched the shed a few times and even gave the shed a head butt for good measure. Not finished I then proceeded to throw my favourite chair for about 10 metres and then gave the air conditioner a good kick in the guts spilling water from asshole to breakfast time. Why do I continue to subject myself to this Faulty Towers existence, why in the fuck do I even bother?
This uncontrolled fit of rage doesn't just come out, it is an accumulation of a few months of sucking shit, saying the same things over and over again with no result. It is being in a place where all one sees is deaf ears, the only time I see those ears work like they are intended is when I chuck a total wobbly, apart from that all I hear is yes OK and then the same issue is repeated. What the fuck am I talking about?
Qutting Smoking after 30 years
Written by The Artist03 September 2009
As I look at this photograph, in all honesty, I am ashamed at what I have done to myself. On the outside I have aged quite considerably over the last 5 years or so. Christ knows what has happened on the inside, yet I can feel the change and I guess its now I must try and stop that change from making me sick.
Over the last 12 months or so my thinking has changed somewhat. Destructive behaviours have lessened, instead of hating life and not giving a shit as to the consequences, I hate to admit it but I'm starting to enjoy life just a weensy tweensy little bit.
Not sure how I am going to handle the mental addicion as it runs deep within my family.
Compromised expresses 3 subjects, My ability to turn away, turn off, unengaged emotionally so to speak, yet still remain loyal and care for the women I have loved. The second subject I am not going to talk about or describe in text and the 3rd is probably about where I am now, the things I have learnt about myself, much better to sit back and watch it all, the confusion, the uncertainty is not worth the compromise as I am enjoying my self appointed exile.
Artist's Journal For the Same in Return 2009
"According to Freud, through art we attempt to create alternatives to reality in which we channel our irrational and anti-social drives in socially acceptable ways."