Well Well.....it’s nearly been a month since I moved up to Chatsworth near red neck Gympie........I have finally rid myself of Marsden and all it didn’t offer.....man I stayed way too long in that place.......So what am I doing up here? Trying to compromise an uncompromisable position and am glad I have done it..........

Firstly I am building a studio, the one thing I have so wanted to do for a long long time......and it is working out just fine....apart from the odd surprise like a massive termite nest in one of the old walls, that nearly killed my shoestring budget, to the challenges of trying to make good of another’s piece of shit workmanship...I say that because it is this poor bastard that has had to try and use what was here and turn it into something I like to live in.......I have been going solid now for 3 weeks and have basically fixed all the walls and painted them, ripped out one side of the shed and removed all traces of an old termite nest with my old trusty chainsaw. I am lucky enough to have Mandy’s father who is an electrician coming up to wire the shed and give me power points and lights...and also internet and phone....have a few walls left open while I wait for that, and cant wait to close them up and paint them.

Ben caught me a little by surprise yesterday.........a father dreads the time when he has to say goodbye to his son..

My memories zoom back and forth, I see Ben as a 3 year old, wearing work boots like his father. Driving along in my work truck I can see in his face it...... doesnt get any better....for 9 years he looks up to me and I am proud to be his father. While I am working hard, I still give him the time and the attention he deserves. I think we are making a bond that nothing will break.....whenever i go to see someone, Ben is always by my side, he rarely goes outside and plays, he stands next to me and hangs on my every word. I talk to him constantly and for the 9 year period I spoke of we are tight and father and son. At a time when I need to be with him, he only comes over every 2 weeks on the weekends...not enough time....and finally at 12 years of age he comes to live with me......I have all these grand plans that we will tighten our bond and that our relationship will strengthen.............what the fuck went wrong??????

Things have really settled with Mandy and she is finally grabbing hold of her life. The last couple of weeks she has begun to understand that for her to gain her independence and stand on her own two feet she needs to step up. (or am I just dreaming this for my own sanity....)

The last month or so, with all the talks and pushing by me, she now understands why she hasn’t been able to put her life together. Since her accident she has always been co-dependent on others while deep down she has wanted to be fully independent. For to long she has allowed herself to be looked after while not standing up and taking control of her life.

Well well, it’s amazing how things change quickly when you actually have some hope and direction. My life has actually stablised and is no longer on that nose dive into nothingness....I'm not one to cry however this has been such an emotional time that I cant help it. I actually feel the change that has presented itself, and am quite choked that I have some self respect back.

What have I done to bring on this change? I have actually learnt to listen and hear the voice that I have been denying for years...you know that voice that speaks kindly and of hope when one feels hopelessly lost.....it has been working, I have been able to pick up on the self defeating bullshit I have fed myself without even realising it.